Through Gewanda's Eyes

The diagnosis is back; advanced liver cancer not much they can do but try a new drug. Until then we wait. They gave a prognosis timeline; but in one week it’s escalated.

This morning as they transported her to ER I had no strength to give updates to the prayer warriors who are standing with me. From yesterday to today she’s been in excruciating pain. This morning she’s totally coherent.

I will sit and pray and wait for the next round of news. I’m four hours away and although I will leave as soon as I can. I think I understand what weariness feels like.

I’m numb. I really have no words to say. I have no arms to run into. I have no bed to lay my head right now. Duty calls and it helps to keep my sanity.

People stare wanting to add consolation but this is a private hell I’m experiencing.

Last evening I spoke with my Life Coach, she advised me to cry. Funny these are the times when crying is allowed and yet. I have no strength to let the tears fall. A few escaped my eyes but that was it I didn’t deliberately stop them they just dried up on their own.

Something I don’t understand now but maybe one day I will.

Well life goes on, who would have ever thought I would be here. And who would have every thought I would not know what to do.

This blog allowed me to take a breath of air and exhale if only for a minute.

Now I need to go set up hospice care.

I am all the way inward.