Today is my Mom’s birthday. She’s celebrating in heaven. Losing a love one is never easy, but saying goodbye to a parent hits the core of your existence. It doesn’t matter what type of parent they were or were not it still hurts.
I’ve had a very interesting 9 weeks since we said goodbye. Mostly revelations about life, people, purpose, family and my core values and essential needs. I’ve had to work through a few stages of grief and still am freshly overcoming each thing that triggers a memory.
Unfortunately, I’ve wasted years on people and things I now know are not so important to or for me. I’ve gained a healthy respect for wellness and health. My immediate family, true prosperity and spiritual enlightenment are the center these days. My tolerance is quite low for most frivolous things I used to take time to address. Plus my courage skyrocketed and I’m embarking on a few dreams I was too afraid to take.
People pleasuring is low, and because through actions, care, concern or the lack thereof most everyone showed me who they were in my life and where I stood in theirs. So now that I really know; worrying about being in or out doesn’t take any part of my stage.
I still have a stack of cards to open, my emotions just couldn’t let me. For every time I saw certain words it reminded me of my reality. I’ll get to it.
If you’ve not received a thank you card, that’s the only reason because I personally wrote back to each one. You see it meant/means a lot that you took the time to reach out to me during a critical time in my life. While in the scheme of things some of those I just knew would, haven’t yet.
Today, I no longer feel I need the approval of the YOU(s) to do ME. I’m no longer dumbing myself down to be accepted and not selling myself out to not be rejected. You get who and what God intended for me to be and I’m going after it ALL. I spent so many years pouring my life into places, and people things watching them rise and succeed on the strength of me. Most pretend not to remember or call my name these days. My mom would say, “Don’t be nobody’s fool they are using you and you’re too naive to see. Pull back and watch. Hhhhmm she was so right. When I took her advice they deleted me. Others, I wasn’t on their level or standard for them to publicly include me.
I had a pseudo standard that man put on me and I allowed it. It wasn’t until my mom could no longer fuss about why I did this or that or didn’t that I realized she cared more than anyone of them.
She was a wise woman plagued by her own demons, just as we all are. However what I loved most about her was she was more genuine, honest, humble, kind and full of integrity than most of all my kind.
I’m so glad I have memorabilia to hold on to. I have lessons learned through her struggle that have so empowered me. It’s kind of odd; her dying somehow set me free to be more authentically me.
This life is but a vapor and time keeps going on. Today we will release her ashes on the sea just as she’d requested so many times before she went home.
I think it will be a new milestone in life for us 3. Jamilah, ArRafi and me. She deposited greatness in this earth, left us with a rich heritage of character and strength. It’s really not riches that makes one wealthy, it’s so much more. Trust me we are victorious and prosperous through and by her legacy.
Happy Birthday Mom, Rejoice in heaven, celebrate well, your time on this earth was a living hell but the grace of God has TOTALLY PREVAILED!!!
Love you forever!
Your Sunshine and 1st Pain